Prep Your Kitchen Appliances for Synthetic Meat

After months of pressure, you finally caved. The media, your friends, the terrifying documentaries, even the little guys themselves – they’ve all been trying to convince you to stop eating meat but you’ve held fast… until recently.

Now, you’re eating “tofurkey” and vegan cheese, and you’re wondering how long until you die. Counting the days, even. Peanut butter only has so much protein, and your mouth is nearly spackled shut. You’ve eaten more rice and beans than a Mexican cowboy, and coconut milk sucks. What EVER will you do?

Well, lucky for you, we live in the future – What A Time, amiright?! –

A company by the name of Memphis Meats has your answer, and they would love to cram it down your throat. The first ever synthetic-by-means-of-stem-cell meat will soon be in affluent, predominately white neighborhood grocery stores near you!

That’s right. According to a press release by Memphis Meats in February of this year:

“Memphis Meats is already growing real meat in small quantities using cells from cows, pigs, and chickens. The company’s first products—hot dogs, sausages, burgers, and meatballs—will be developed using recipes perfected over a half century by award-winning chefs. The founders expect to have products to market in less than five years. …  While generating one calorie from beef requires 23 calories in feed, Memphis Meats plans to produce a calorie of meat from just three calories in inputs. The company’s products will be free of antibiotics, fecal matter, pathogens, and other contaminants found in conventional meat.”

Executive director of The Good Food Institute, Bruce Friedrich is hopeful: “Cultured meat is sustainable, creates far fewer greenhouse gases than conventional meat, is safer, and doesn’t harm animals. For people who want to eat meat, cultured meat is the future.”

memphis meatsBut believe it or not, there are plenty of naysayers, with their concerns ranging from “$5 meatballs?!” to one reader comment on TheInertia.com’s article on the matter: “synthetic meat is still wrong. Only a barbaric monster would want to eat simulated murder food”, but another reader sums it up quite well: “As is tradition with all new tech products. The more market share this technology gets, the more the prices will fall. Simply put, eating $5 meatballs now will ensure that everybody has access to cheap, guilt-free meat in the future.” As far as the “simulated murder food” argument, though, – at least it’s not real murder food, right?

If you had any doubts, does it help that it’s backed by a cardiologist? Doctor M.D. and Memphis Meats CEO, Uma Valeti is confident she’s about to revolutionize our culinary culture. In recent years the rise in vegetarianism and veganism has been highly visible via Prius bumpers and “foodie” photo and meme based social media accounts; there’s even a stigma. But with Memphis Meats, you’re technically still eating animals, and you still didn’t have to do any of the elbow work, but really, nobody else did either! Purely guilt-free delicious goodness, grown in a scientifically sterile lab, packaged and delivered to open-minded retailers near your hungry face, and not a single living organism was injured or ripped away from its family. Think of all the Peta videos you’ll be erasing. Think of all the characters in Animal Farm who will never know what it means to “wear pants”.

Don’t you feel better already? Maybe one day soon you’ll turn on the television and an aging Guy Fieri will be preparing synthetic bacon-wrapped synthetic steak taco waffles.

If you’d like to know more, google Memphis Meats and click on the first, like, 3 websites that show up.

After months of pressure, you finally caved. The media, your friends, the terrifying documentaries, even the little guys themselves – they’ve all been trying to convince you to stop eating meat but you’ve held fast… until recently.

Now, you’re eating “tofurkey” and vegan cheese, and you’re wondering how long until you die. Counting the days, even. Peanut butter only has so much protein, and your mouth is nearly spackled shut. You’ve eaten more rice and beans than a Mexican cowboy, and coconut milk sucks. What EVER will you do?

Well, lucky for you, we live in the future – What A Time, amiright?! –

A company by the name of Memphis Meats has your answer, and they would love to cram it down your throat. The first ever synthetic-by-means-of-stem-cell meat will soon be in affluent, predominately white neighborhood grocery stores near you!

That’s right. According to a press release by Memphis Meats in February of this year:

lab grown meat“Memphis Meats is already growing real meat in small quantities using cells from cows, pigs, and chickens. The company’s first products—hot dogs, sausages, burgers, and meatballs—will be developed using recipes perfected over a half century by award-winning chefs. The founders expect to have products to market in less than five years. …  While generating one calorie from beef requires 23 calories in feed, Memphis Meats plans to produce a calorie of meat from just three calories in inputs. The company’s products will be free of antibiotics, fecal matter, pathogens, and other contaminants found in conventional meat.”

Executive director of The Good Food Institute, Bruce Friedrich is hopeful: “Cultured meat is sustainable, creates far fewer greenhouse gases than conventional meat, is safer, and doesn’t harm animals. For people who want to eat meat, cultured meat is the future.”

But believe it or not, there are plenty of naysayers, with their concerns ranging from “$5 meatballs?!” to one reader comment on TheInertia.com’s article on the matter: “synthetic meat is still wrong. Only a barbaric monster would want to eat simulated murder food”, but another reader sums it up quite well: “As is tradition with all new tech products. The more market share this technology gets, the more the prices will fall. Simply put, eating $5 meatballs now will ensure that everybody has access to cheap, guilt-free meat in the future.” As far as the “simulated murder food” argument, though, – at least it’s not real murder food, right?

If you had any doubts, does it help that it’s backed by a cardiologist? Doctor M.D. and Memphis Meats CEO, Uma Valeti is confident she’s about to revolutionize our culinary culture. In recent years the rise in vegetarianism and veganism has been highly visible via Prius bumpers and “foodie” photo and meme based social media accounts; there’s even a stigma. But with Memphis Meats, you’re technically still eating animals, and you still didn’t have to do any of the elbow work, but really, nobody else did either! Purely guilt-free delicious goodness, grown in a scientifically sterile lab, packaged and delivered to open-minded retailers near your hungry face, and not a single living organism was injured or ripped away from its family. Think of all the Peta videos you’ll be erasing. Think of all the characters in Animal Farm who will never know what it means to “wear pants”.

Don’t you feel better already?

If you’d like to know more, google Memphis Meats and click on the first, like, 3 websites that show up.

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